HERE I AM

Here I am in circles
Round and round again
Cannot stop this spinning in my head
How is it my face is grinning
While my soul is dead?
The evidence, blood on my hands,
And no one truly understands
Who I am, I have not been
What I want I have forgotten

CHORUS: Beneath the sea I hide my face
Beneath deep blue there’s no disgrace
Where all is equal, all is pure
Existence is divine allure

Gray swirls inside of me
ascending from the dust
It fills my lungs I cannot breathe
suffocated by this lust
My heart is sore
a thousand tiny knives pierce the core
Where’s the reciprocity for passion waiting here in me?

CHORUS

Finding myself lost among the ebb and flow
Drifting among fears and dreams
that I have yet to know
Waves of passion lie within
as mad storms brew beneath my skin
A journey of the unexplored
A vital piece that’s well ignored

CHORUS

NOT NOW

Not much left to say
Just beginning to think I am wired this way
Malfunctioning precision
Lingering between this split decision
So much left to do
As I slowly delete files of me I once knew
All the colors fill my eyes
Bending the light to filter out all that I once despised

CHORUS: You asked me what I meant when I said I still believe
And in this very moment I hear something whisper
Not to leave
Not now

So much left to fear
Seems like which path to choose will never be clear
Tired of stepping carefully
Looking down at my feet there’s so much right in front of me
I never see

CHORUS

(I am everywhere / I am the light in my eyes)

So much left to say
Knowing now that I choose to be wired this way
Just some reconfiguration
The connection between I’m okay and total elation

CHORUS
  

WHAT IT MEANS

What it means to love you
Is in the touch of your hands
In the light of your eyes as you smile
In the fire of your passion
the cool rain of your soul
and the sweetness of your voice calling me from miles

CHORUS: And I feel something so still
So silently waking my soul
This truth, I know, is I love you so
And I always will

What it means to love you
Is in each night filled with stars
In each rising and setting of the sun
In the spirit of the mountains
In the rhythm of the sea
Every beauty reveals you are the one.

CHORUS

Oh, my love, you hold the world in your heart
Still I am content playing only a part

In sunlight and in shadow
In laughter and in tears
And with only our soul as our guide
Until our breath is silenced
And all the light is gone
It is only you I want by my side

CHORUS

MORE THAN WORDS

I cannot seize this cruelty
I often find it falls from me
As sadness turns to tears of bitterness
I’m mad, I’m torn, I will not lie
I fear the dark behind my eyes
The light is often lost I will confess
If I could live the words I’ve sung
If only I could hold my tongue
And let my pen cry words that feed the flame
Or keep this lion in its cage
Before it roars in utter rage
Denying and then hiding truth in shame

Open my ears that I may hear
The voice of forgiveness and not of fear

CHORUS: To speak with more than words
Feel with more than hands
And love across the boundaries I have known
To recognize these eyes, know beyond this soul
And weep for suffering other than my own

This heart, it bears a solemn weight
in walls of fury I create
a shelter of indifference
help me believe just as a child
let all my sins be reconciled
and let me shed tears of innocence
Open my eyes, spirit divine
The face of beauty reflected in mine

CHORUS
  

START AGAIN

No matter what I say
No matter what I do
You always seem to see right through
You’ve seen me at my most ugly
Over and over, you’ve untangled this big mess
Still you say, “Baby, I don’t love you any less.”

So, baby, if you believe
There’s still a space somewhere in you for me
And that this love we share should have no end
Can we please just start again?

And I am on my knees now
But for your mercy I will not plead
If you find that I’m not what you need
Your ammunition is running low
But still with me you stand alarmed
I’m waiving my little white flag
Here I stand, unarmed.

So, baby, if you find
There’s still an ounce of hope left in your mind
Then I will never ask you to pretend
But can we please just start again?

I’ve learned that love is not confinement
And I don’t believe that love is war
Love will not elude when no one’s captive anymore
Love knows know illusions
Love knows forgiveness and not despise
And love that lasts is willing to compromise

So, baby, come what may
Ours is a love that will not fall away
There’s nothing broken that we cannot mend
But can we please just start again?
Oh, can we please just start again?
  

AS IT SHOULD BE

I keep you at arm’s length
Close enough to feel your touch
Space enough to keep you from seeing much of me
That’s as it should be
So you can keep the image in your mind
That delicate flower, the rarest kind, and think of me
That’s as it should be

CHORUS: In stillness I will rest here
Between my courage and my fear
And let the liquid numbness fill my head
Where thoughts just fall as flakes of snow
And melt into the hazy glow
Until I just cannot recall the words you’ve said

This pushing and pulling
And constantly mulling on invisible facets of me
Just filling up spaces
With loving embraces of another in need of company
Is this as it should be?

CHORUS

This little illusion
A river of confusion meandering through my brain
Your clouded opinion
Has made its dominion
A torrential downpour of pain in me
This is not as it should be.

CHORUS

INTO YOU

Please don’t look at me that way
With such a captivating smile
With eyes just begging me to stay
And lips that tease and beguile
It’s just the touch of your hand
Or a whisper in my ear
That sends a shiver down my spine
And makes the world disappear

CHORUS: Only you can set me on fire
With one smoldering glance
And send my thoughts on a whirl of desire
On a mystical trance
Oh, if only you knew
How I’m so into you

And when I look at you this way
With adoring eyes and a foolish grin
Don’t meet my gaze and then look away
It really gets under my skin
And if my words should seem askew
When your beauty has me tongue-tied
Feel free to laugh at my expense
Desire is greater than pride

CHORUS

You got me feelin’ like a fool
You got me crawlin’ on all fours
If you want me, baby, let me know
So I can unlock all of the doors
For now my silence is my veil
But I’ll admit my patience is running thin
I am yours alone if you want to explore
No need to ask just come on in

CHORUS

GRIEVE

I’m sorry for the things that I have said
I’m sorry that you feel as you do
But you can’t claim to see what’s in my heart, in my head
As if my soul is glass and somehow you can look through
It’s you who has chosen to ignore
To set aside what you don’t understand
And while your rigidity cuts me to the core
I can no longer bend to your hand
I can no longer bend to your hand

Now that I’m angry and you’re wondering what about
All I’m asking is that you please leave
I chose to let you in and you chose to shut me out
So I need a little time to grieve
Maybe you don’t know me so well
Maybe I am some image you create
Maybe we all have secrets we don’t wanna tell
Wishing our estranged thoughts will abate
We all have moments of regret
Things we’ve done for which some would condemn
I have made decisions I would rather forget
But I will say this is not one of them
I will say this is not one of them

I don’t want this anger, this sadness, or this doubt
All I’m asking is that you please leave
I don’t wanna let you in and I don’t wanna shut you out
So I need a little time
Yes, I need a little time to grieve

We all have our own lives to lead
One chance to sort through this big mess
What I need may not be what you need
But each of us still deserves happiness
Each of us still deserves happiness

No one wants anger or sadness or doubt
And we’re told to try our best to make it leave
But I’m breathing it all in and slowly letting it all out
And I need a little time
Yes, I need a little time to grieve.
  

8

Feels like I’m 8 again
In a world of not happy, well then, just pretend
Slip inside of your tough skin so nothing can hurt you
Just give them your best grin so they will embrace you
Well, you’d think that by now I’d know
That in order to move on I have to let go
Still, I’m clutching my anger tightly in my fist
Evading the answers so easily missed

CHORUS: So I hold onto nothing with all of my might
To prepare the next stage of this internal fight
But I want to surrender and fall to my knees
Who is it I’m really trying to please?

There is a fine line between
What should not be denied and what’s best left unseen
But you empty your pain into my cup of fears
And wait it out until every last drop disappears.

CHORUS

Tell me what did you really expect?
That I’d follow your footsteps and never object?
Well, elation is not something you can contrive
Revelation doesn’t come from just being alive

CHORUS

Now I’m banging on the door saying please let me in
It says you’re not fit to live here beneath your own skin
And no one is keeping me out except me
I’ve put up all the doors and I’ve swallowed the key

WHAT’s DONE IS DONE

The warm sea air, it calls to me
In waves of calm simplicity
Alone I contemplate my own existence
The fiery sun is fading fast
I sit and morn the souls who’ve passed
And pray we’ll find the path of least resistance

CHORUS: Each moment falls as grains of sand
Between each finger of my hand
As I recall battles never won
Can we forgive and say what’s done is done?

In your eyes, I see the child
Whose pain cannot be reconciled
Whose anger weaves a shelter of despair
Each time it rains the spirits cry
To grieve the war of you and I
Each voice reveals a sorrow that we share

CHORUS

In times like these of endless fear
My arms outstretch to loved ones near
It seems to much is not enough to say
And at the brink of this downfall
It’s love that will unite us all
So, I’m giving mine to you in my own way

CHORUS

BONUS track (lyrics by Hildegarde von Bingen – 12th Century poet/composer, set to music by Lori Amey)

The spirit of God
Is a life that bestows life
Root of world tree
And wind in its bow
Scrubbing out sin, she rubs oil into wounds
She is a glistening life
Alluring all praise
All-awakening
All-resurrecting
Hallelujah
Amen